Fact Sheets > Surviving Divorce

Surviving Divorce

Divorce is not the end of life; it is only the end of a phase in your life. Life has to move on, the void filled, and the kids’ sense of security restored. Divorce involves more than the couple, parents’ dreams are shattered, and the kids are subjected to peers’ teasing. A divorce or separation often destroys one’s self-esteem. Hence the first step towards “picking up the pieces”, and to progress in life, is commencement of the self-healing process.

Early into the separation process, many often feel depressed and dwelled on the “good old days” when their spouse is around to change the light bulb or to do the laundry. After their spouse left, their world collapse, they did not know how to change the light bulb or do the laundry. They feel helpless and are not motivated to learn these new skills. Stop that self-pity and learn to be independent! Ask a friend to demonstrate how to buy and change a light bulb; dig out the instruction manual for the washing machine and go through the manual; ask a friend to demonstrate how to iron your clothes. Prove to your ex that you can cope with life without them, show the kids that they can be well taken-care of just like before. This is probably just the first step to restore your self-esteem.

Next, get in touch with your emotions, do not avoid them. You are probably still feeling angry, redirect your anger and ask yourself calmly what you wanted from the relationship. You may be surprised at how much you have gained from your marriage. Take the time to list down lessons you have learned throughout the marriage. This list can help you identify the Dos and Don’ts of a relationship. If necessary, seek psychotherapy or counselling to help you deal with the aversive emotions or for coping strategies, or just simply for a non-judgement and empathetic support.

Some have always wanted to enrol in courses to upgrade themselves but wasn’t able to, due to family commitment. Do not procrastinate, take this opportunity to fulfil your hopes of finishing your degree. Others may find this is a good time to develop a hobby which they didn’t have the time to. Venture into new territories, pick up activities which you didn’t have the courage to do, such as hiking, photography, canoeing. Embrace your freedom and independence, rediscover that aspect of you that you didn’t know till now. These help to divert your attention and anger, rather than directing them towards your children and family.

Many who regain their confidence may find themselves attracting new admirers. However, keep in mind to create a bridge between the time your marriage dissolves and the time you start dating again. An unresolved issue may resurface in the new relationship, some may find themselves comparing their new partner to their ex-spouse, while others may direct their hurts and angry thoughts to their new partner. This is counter-productive and creates unnecessary tension for the new relationship. Allow time to heal your emotions before stepping into the new relationship, slow down the pace of the new relationship to avoid making the same mistakes (take out that list and remind yourself not to repeat the mistakes that crushed your marriage).

Lastly, remember that after the initial shock and denial stages, you start to grieve and at the same time you have to make major decisions. It is usually difficult to see everything clearly during the grieving period, avoid making major decision if possible. Besides legal issues, make sure your mind is capable of thinking of possible consequences due to any actions that you take now such as consider if you have the financial means to keep the matrimony home, even if you do, will it overwhelm you with all the negative feelings and thoughts? At this time, it may be beneficial to have a trusted but uninvolved friend who can help to remind you, otherwise seek help from your psychotherapist/psychologist.